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Your weekly antidote to the real-life-news… and a delve into what is going on up in the Alps?!
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Issue 15
THE SKI-GOD DIET
Ever wondered how to get the body of an Adonis ski instructor? The Régime Montagnard is a diet and ‘lifestyle overhaul’ that has been inspired by ski culture and is now a growing trend throughout the Alps.
Key components of the programme include the following:
- An initial and challenging ‘cheese feast’ to kick off the diet. The intention here is that you consume so much cheese in one sitting it becomes agonising; you make yourself feel so sick that you are put off eating cheese for at least six weeks while the rest of the regime takes shape.
- Wearing ankle weights for at least nine hours of the day. This accurately replicates dragging ski-boot-locked feet around. The weights can be increased as you progress.
- Cold-exposure, to burn calories through shivering. There are many methods to achieve this part of the Régime Montagnard. You could try ice baths or cold water swimming. Alternatively, you could forget your coat or get locked out of the house in your PJs.
- Crucially, croissants, French pastries and baked goods are not ruled out of the diet. They must, however, only be consumed if follower by a triple espresso to give you a calorie-burning caffeine frenzy for hours afterwards.
- If you’re feeling peckish beyond this, it's encouraged that you wear large, padded ski mittens to make opening a packed of biscuits impossible.
- You are only allowed to sit down for a maximum of 25 minutes maximum at a time, and you must do some activity in-between these sits. This duration is inspired by the length of the world’s longest ski lift: The Zlatibor Gold Gondola in Serbia (9km, 25 minutes). As we all know, the ski lift is the only rest ski instructors get.
- You can still have fun at the bar. However, when drinking beer, opt for half pints and make sure that 1/3 of the glass is air-filled, bubbly head. This is much harder to achieve in the UK, where bar staff get berated if the liquid doesn't reach the top 2mm of a glass.
- If in doubt about what to eat, have cigarettes.
You won’t be surprised to learn that ‘Cake News’ is, in fact, Fake News.
The vast majority of these endorsements and statements are fabricated, satirical, ironic or fantastical. Please enjoy with a large pinch of salt.
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